Guide To Being A Right Nosy Bitch
FEEL like you aren’t taking an unnaturally invasive interest in the affairs of your family, friends, coworkers, neighbours or vague acquaintances but would like to in the future?
Do you need help in nosing around in other people’s business, so you can share your speculations on their lives with your nearest and dearest?
Do you aspire to being a right nosy bitch? Well, if the answer to these questions is ‘yes’, WWN is on hand to help you every step of the way with these handy tips:
Listen in on every conservation that you’re a not part of
Be it in the office, on the street or on public transport, perk those gossip generators we call ears right the fuck up ‘cus it’s listening time!
Remember, you can always tell people afterwards that the man on the phone in the seat in front of you on the bus was ‘talking very loudly, like, even though he was in public’. Also remember to omit the fact you switched to a closer seat and leaned in over his shoulder all so you could hear him whisper into his phone about his sick wife.
Take that small bit of information you have about someone and spread it like wildfire
Whenever you learn a small morsel of news about someone you’re not all that familiar with, be sure to then take that bit of news into all future conversations with anyone willing to listen to you over the next week.
“Wouldn’t be surprised if the police got involved” is a great conversation starter about that person you’ve decided will be the centrepiece of your gossiping. What have they done? Is it illegal? It doesn’t matter, you’ve just got to reel someone else in and get them nosy bitching too. God, it feels good, doesn’t it?
Use social media to your advantage
What’s so great about modern technology is that even on quiet days when it’s been hard to directly nosy bitch yourself about the place, someone on Facebook will have a new profile picture uploaded, or better yet, a vague Facebook status.
The status may not be all that vague or even interesting in anyway, but that’s not important just find someone to corner in work and let them know all about how you reckon that ‘by the sounds of it, his marriage is on the outs’.
Question everyone’s motives, desires and their past, present and future decision making
Is the niece now in her final year of college? Well, why not speculate openly about how she’s in for a rude awakening out there in the real world. And, make sure to add ‘did you know, she had an ‘episode’ there in first year, never recovered from it, but it was her fault in fairness’ to the lady in front of you in the queue at the post office.
Make everything your business
There’s no question you can’t directly ask a person, no matter how intrusive it is. In fact, the more inappropriate, the better. Where do you think people get those ‘I’m nothing but nice to her and she was, not a word of a lie, a rude fucking bitch to me’ stories from?