American Voters Surprise World By Not Voting For Alleged Paedophile


KEEN FOLLOWERS of American politics have expressed their utter disbelief at the news that American citizens voting in the Alabama Senate election failed to install Roy Moore, a man accused of sexual abuse and entering into relationships with underage women, to Congress.

“Wait a minute, this isn’t the America I’ve grown to despair at?” exclaimed one befuddled non-American, who had fully expected to wake to news of the election of an alleged paedophile, who was previously endorsed by an alleged sexual harasser, the president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Moore, the Republican candidate for the Alabama Senate race, had garnered months of media attention owing to myriad controversies, the least severe of which involved Moore being banned from a shopping mall due his harassment of teenage girls.

Despite this, many expected American voters to continue their trend of baffling election choices by voting for a man who stands accused of sexual misconduct with girls aged 14 and 16. It had previously been thought Moore’s rival for the Senate, Democrat Doug Jones, would suffer in the polls for his failure to agree with Moore’s assertion that America was better when there was slavery.

“I guess this is a pleasant surprise,” confirmed another non-American before throwing caution to the wind, “but I think it’s best we don’t get too excited,” they added, alluding to another upcoming Senate race which will see a racist semi-automatic rifle try to gain a seat for the Republican party.

Moore’s defeat by Jones represents a huge blow to President Trump, who personally campaigned for the alleged sexual abuser, and now faces the real possibility that his tax plan, which provides tax cuts to the rich, might not pass Congress. As a result Twitter users remain on high alert.