Scientists Harness Ireland’s Hatred For The Brits, Providing Enough Electricity For 8 Millenia
IF calculations from a team of scientists are correct, Ireland is set to become the most energy rich country on the planet, WWN can confirm after spending a day at a research lab.
Hooking up conductors to Irish people, TCD scientists begin playing footage of recent assertions from British politicians, journalists and seasoned Daily Mail comment section writers which convey a monumental commitment to ignorance regarding Ireland, and Irish people. Pressing play, the scientists sheepishly retreat behind a protective screen and watch the sparks fly.
“Ignorant fuckin’ Brits,” shouts one test subject as his anger is channeled through cables and converted into electricity in a pioneering experiment devised by the scientists.
And how they fly. The lights in the room grow brighter before the bulbs smash into smithereens as the rush of power harnessed from just one Irish person overwhelms the buildings wiring with a surge of electricity. Exposed only to a 3 second clip of an English journalist talking about Ireland, the test subject has generated enough electricity to power a small village.
“We can confirm that just 12 irate Irish people can provide enough electricity to power Ireland for the entire year. We’re sitting on over 8,000 years of untapped and free electricity, all thanks to how we are quick to anger in the face of British people being British,” confirmed one scientist, Jeffrey Witherspoon II.
“When I tell people my name, that’s enough to power the lab here for a week,” Witherspoon II confirms, “even when I show them my Irish passport and my family tree, and speak in my natural Dublin accent, just reading ‘Witherspoon’ sets them off”.
The lab will carry out further tests throughout the early part of 2018 before engaging with energy providers who are keen to capitalise on the untapped power source.
“Obviously, this energy boom might not last. If we all got used to the idea of British people pissing us off and didn’t rise to the bait, then the industry would collapse overnight,” concluded Witherspoon II.
Before being shown out, WWN was able to observe footage of one English TV station claiming Michael Fassbender as British, such was the hatred displayed by three test subjects, they exploded in front of our eyes, in what can only be described as harrowing, and also an impressive display of unfiltered anger.