That Dipshit Isn’t With Us, Confirms ISIS


NOTORIOUS terrorist outfit ISIS have broken new ground with their first ever refusal to accept responsibility for an explosion in a Western nation, following their statement separating themselves from a would-be suicide bomber in New York city yesterday.

27-year-old Akayed Ullah broke new ground for terrorism with his attack on a subway station in Midtown during rush hour, becoming the first ever suicide bomber to successfully detonate a device yet fail to kill even himself.

Pausing momentarily to giggle at Ullah as he lay holding his scorched belly on the ground, police at the scene quickly kicked the shit out of him before sending him to the ‘fucking idiot’ wing of the nearest jail.

Although ISIS are currently badly in need of a win after losing huge amounts of territory and a substantial loss of personnel in Iraq and Syria recently, the group took to social media to stress that Ullah had nothing to do with them.

“We want to make it clear that this dipshit is not part of ISIS,” read a hooded figure in the 3-minute clip, rubbing his temples with his fingers in exasperation.

“And we’ve claimed responsibility for a lot, you know? But this idiot… holy fuck. No, you can chalk this guy up as… what do you guys call them again? Lone wolf? Disgruntled loner? Whatever you call white people when they do shit like this. Leave us out of it”.

Homeland Security has assessed the ISIS footage and have come to the conclusion that yesterday’s attack was most certainly ISIS related, prompting President Donald Trump to push for his Muslim travel ban yet again.