Where Are They Now: The Spirit Of Dark And Lonely Water


“IT was a great gig while it lasted, but drowning kids is a young spirits game,” sighed the Spirit Of Dark And Lonely Water, as it drove us the 15 miles from our London hotel to the airport as we made our way back to Waterford following our trip to the 2017 international legitimate journalists expo.

“I was hounded out of the industry in 1985, to make way for a bunch of trendy new spirits who had all these fancy new drowning techniques,” sighed the Spirit, taking a slightly longer route to the airport than we felt was necessary.

“My old tricks of catching their feet in old bedsprings while they played in dumps just wasn’t cutting it anymore, so the next thing, boosh- off the fucking team, ain’t I?”.

A notable figure from the late seventies, the Spirit Of Dark And Lonely Water was once the go-to guy when it came to terrifying kids away from things they shouldn’t be doing.

However, following a 1978 documentary about his tricks and tactics, kids began to wise up to TSODALW, and his drowning numbers dropped below what was acceptable for an evil hooded figure who lurks unseen in the cold distance, waiting to add another notch to his dead post.

After losing his gig, the spirit told us that he tried out as several other phantomish nightmares, before eventually giving up and becoming a cab driver to help make ends meet.

“Yeah, I was the Spirit Of Fireworks That Were Still Lit, The Spirit Of Electric Blankets Plugged In… but nothing really stuck, ” said the Spirit, whom we had immediately recognised when we got into the cab.

“Comes a time when you just have to hang your cowl up, get a proper job. I’m married to a great girl now, The Spirit Of Kites Stuck Up Pylons, and we have two great kids of our own- The Pixie Of Chewing Gum On Bus Seats and The Djinn Of Sticking Forks In Sockets. They need a roof over their heads, and taxiing is good, steady work’.

The spirit sighed, weaving through the streets.

‘Every now and then I’ll see kids pricking around at a canal or something and think, oh, I’d love to just drag them under the water”

“But it’s just not my job anymore”.