21 March – 20 April
You spend the day muttering about how it’s ‘not that windy’.
21 April – 21 May
You become the owner of 16 new wheelie bins.
May 21 – June 20
You’re driven slowly mad by the incessant flapping of your letterbox.
June 21 – July 22
Hurricane Ophelia becomes almost as windy as your arse after a feed of Guinness.
July 23 – August 22
Look, you needed beer. It was necessary. A necessary journey. Fuck what anyone thinks.
August 23 – September 22
You’ll be alright if the electricity goes out, but if you lose the internet you’re fucked.
September 23 – October 22
You make sure to put a rock on your cat, just to be safe.
October 23 – November 21
Screaming ‘fuck this’, you pull your coat up over your head and vanish into the sky, never to be seen again.
November 22 – December 21
You picked the wrong week to buy a trampoline.
December 22 – January 19
You wonder if you can get a few more days off work out of this storm.
January 20 – February 18
You take this opportunity to have a really dramatic fight with your arch nemesis.
February 19 – March 20
You smash up your neighbours boy racer car, then head out the next day and say oooh, storm getcha?
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