Horoscopes

Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share
SHARES

aries

21 March – 20 April

You spend the day muttering about how it’s ‘not that windy’.

taurus

21 April – 21 May

You become the owner of 16 new wheelie bins.

gemini

May 21 – June 20

You’re driven slowly mad by the incessant flapping of your letterbox.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Hurricane Ophelia becomes almost as windy as your arse after a feed of Guinness.  

leo

July 23 – August 22

Look, you needed beer. It was necessary. A necessary journey. Fuck what anyone thinks.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

You’ll be alright if the electricity goes out, but if you lose the internet you’re fucked.  

libra

September 23 – October 22

You make sure to put a rock on your cat, just to be safe.

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Screaming ‘fuck this’, you pull your coat up over your head and vanish into the sky, never to be seen again.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

You picked the wrong week to buy a trampoline.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You wonder if you can get a few more days off work out of this storm.

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

You take this opportunity to have a really dramatic fight with your arch nemesis.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You smash up your neighbours boy racer car, then head out the next day and say oooh, storm getcha?

ONE MORE THING: Our articles have been free for the past 10 years and will remain so for the foreseeable future. We've since launched an exclusive service for sound fuckers to donate a price of a fancy coffee per month in return for a whole new tier of quality satire. So please, give our small team some support, you absolute legend. Thanks.

Signing up is easy and done HERE.
Comments ( 1 )
Share what you think.
Facebook Share Share
Twitter Share
Flipboard Share
Reddit Share