Insurance Companies Frantically Searching For Contract Clauses


CALLING staff into the office as early at 3am this morning, many of the country’s insurance suppliers have been hard at work trying to find small print which would free them from issuing payouts to those affected by Storm Ophelia, WWN understands.

“We haven’t even had time to put customers on hold for 3 hours for no particular reason, that’s how swamped we are by all this,” confirmed one member of staff who was frantically reading through the terms and conditions on a number of policies.

“Be it damage to property, businesses, cars or loss of earnings, we know there’s small print that gets us out of having to pony up, we just have find it”.

With the operating profits of many insurance companies potentially at risk, additional staff have been hired at various firms, big and small, in a bid to safeguard against having to help those in need by honouring policies purchased by people affected by the storm.

“Honestly lads, I don’t expect the customers to have read the T and Cs but are you telling me none of you fuckers have either?” one frustrated boss in a local insurance firm barked at his employees.

Despite working for 8 hours straight, the fear of having to honour some policies is still a very real possibility.

“It happened on a Monday, surely we have a clause in there about not paying out on shit that happens on a Monday?” another beleaguered insurance rep asked.

The heads of the majority of the country’s insurance firms have assured the public that insurance premiums will of course rise in the wake of Storm Ophelia but they have yet to agree on a final number.

“Don’t worry, your bank balance will be the first to know,” confirmed one insurance big wig to the public.