Jeremy Corbyn To Ring In Sick Today

STARING at a beam of sunlight filtering into his bedroom through a crack in the curtains, Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn has spent the morning weighing up the possibility of staying in bed and ringing in sick instead of heading to parliament and suffering another day of attacks from ministers on both sides of the political fence.

Corbyn, under fire from members of his own party as well as pretty much everyone else in Westminster, confided to WWN that he’d much rather have a lie-in and a nice pot of tea, then try to convince the government that the Trident nuclear defence system is a waste of taxpayers money which stands in the way of the nuclear non-proliferation treaty.

“It’s just going to be another one of those days,” sighed Corbyn, who has agreed with himself to get dressed, but has yet to confirm whether or not he’s heading to work.

“It’s not that I’m sick or anything like that, it’s just that it’s all gotten a bit much right now. You’ve Brexit, the new PM, Boris Johnson elected as foreign fucking secretary, my own lot have their knives out, and now the Trident issue. Doesn’t a nice day off sound better?”.

[UPDATE: Corbyn has opted to go into work instead of pulling a sickie, stating that “God knows what they’ll get up to if I’m not there”]