Free This Weekend? Gardaí Appeal To Public For Dig-Out

WITH the June bank holiday set to stretch resources to previously unknown limits, representatives for the Gardai have launched an appeal for anyone who wants a nixer to come forward.

Candidates will be used to patrol our streets, monitor illegal road activity, counteract ongoing gangland violence, and solve an incredible backlog of unsolved cases.

In return, participants will be given the use of a Garda uniform, €100 in cash, and a lift to their houses in a squad car. Bonus payments for particularly helpful “mini-Guards” will include the quashing of penalty points, and maybe even the opportunity to pepper-spray a protestor if there’s a rally in town.

Furthermore, in a bid to make sure that nobody has an excuse, all age, fitness and psychological restrictions have been lifted from the selection process.

“We got the idea from Police Academy 3,” said a senior Garda representative.

“Citizens on Patrol, one of the best ones outside the original movie. So yeah, we’ll take anyone, anyone at all. It’s a hundred euro, cash in your hand, plus a load of free biscuits and you get to go to Coppers at the end. All you need to do is stop at least one crime. Anything at all, our numbers are fucking cat at the minute”.