Haven’t Been To Mass In Years? Here’s 5 Changes That Will Surprise You!


HAVING rebelliously sworn off going to mass when you were 18 as your parents could no longer force you to, you find yourself in a place where you haven’t been to a chapel in years.

Unfortunately you can’t escape the Catholic church forever… if you’re getting married and you don’t want to offend any older relatives by inviting them to a wedding that isn’t in a church, or you’ve just had a kid and you need to ensure their place in a nearby school, you’ll be drawn back to mass one way or the other.

When you head back, you’ll find that the mass service has been tweaked a little in recent years, and your muscle-memory bank of kneels, stands and chants may no longer line up. Here’s 5 things to look out for when you make your prodigal return to the fold:

1) “And also with your spirit”

The response to “Peace be with you” is no longer “and also with you”. It’s changed to “and also with your spirit”. It was changed after the Catholic church conceded that man can never know peace, only when he is dead.

2) Kids can do whatever the fuck they want

Last time you were at church, kids were forced to sit in silence under pain of death. Today, the place is like a creche. Kids can bring toys, play with their parents phones, anything at all really. It’s all part of the church’s apology for the old (makes finger-in-hole hand motion). They really can’t give out to a kid for running up the aisle when they spent 80 years buggering them, a bit like how Germany can’t really condone Israel when they bomb Palestine.

3) There’s buns

Stick around after mass, there’s buns in the parish hall. The church is not to be feared; we’ve got baked goods! We’re all friends now!

4) Dubstep

Listen out for that sick drop right after the second gong at consecration time. Place goes fucking nuts.

5) Two collections

This religion shit ain’t as cheap as it used to be.