‘Why I Stabbed My Own Stomach For Making Fart Noises’
FLATULENCE is the state of having excessive stomach or intestinal gas that is usually released from the anus with sound and or odour, but it can also emit a loud fart-like sounds from the stomach, leaving many sufferers in embarrassing public situations. For Martin Cody, those sounds were all too real.
“I suppose, when I think back on it now, what I did could be called extreme,” the grandson of four began. “After all, stabbing your own stomach does look a little bit crazy, but just hear me out for one minute”.
Grimacing from abdominal pain, Martin sat up in his hospital bed to explain.
“I rarely go on dates as I’m not the most confident person in the world,” he continued, now stroking his bandaged torso underneath his blue hospital gown. “Tracey was my first tinder match so I had high hopes going into the restaurant. I even made sure to not eat anything all day, so I’d be hungry – big mistake”.
It wasn’t long before Martin’s stomach and intestines had other plans for the night.
“It all kicked off right after my garlic mushroom starter,” the now visibly upset Cody explained. “The whole restaurant seemed to stop talking at once, like they were waiting for it to happen, and then… fuuuurp!”
Trying his best to excuse the noise, Martin immediately puts his hand on the upper part of his stomach, in a bid to indicate exactly where the noise had come from.
“A few people glanced over so I had no choice to show them it was just my stomach, but my date was having none of it. She started giggling at me, asking if it was really my stomach. Before she could finish, the noise began again, this time a little deeper down in my lower intestines”.
Denying it was flatulence emitting from his poop hole, the embarrassed Cody denied her call-out on his anus, and proceeded to make his way over to her side of the table with his stomach, and tried to put it to her ear.
“I thought it was a good idea at the time,” he recalls. “She looked mortified, but I was in a state of panic trying to prove this bastard noise was from my stomach and not my arse”.
With that, Martin’s date got up and left, leaving him to deflate on his own, with his hungry stomach, at the now half-full table for two.
“As far as embarrassing moments go, this was right up there with the best of them. But then it happened again, while everyone was looking over, sniggering. I don’t remember too much else after that”.
Eyewitnesses at the restaurant would later oblige to fill in the gaps.
“The mad bastard got up and started shouting, something like ‘it’s my fucking stomach you morons’, before picking up a steak knife and stabbing himself,” waiter James Reynolds explained. “He stabbed himself three times, but still kept shouting ‘do you fucking hear it now, huh? Do you fucking hear where it’s coming from now?’. People ran screaming from the restaurant. At least four people puked where they were sitting. Martin was laughing like a maniac before going all pale and collapsing”.
Falling down in a heap, Mr Cody was immediately rushed to hospital, where he was later treated for severe internal bleeding, losing 4 pints of blood.
“Was it worth it? Yeah, I think so. I made my point”. Martin concluded. “One thing I learned: never go a whole day without food and expect your stomach to obey quietness”.