WWN Guide To Transfer Rumours

AS it becomes harder and harder to sift through all of the tabloid transfer rumours that gather on a daily basis during the summer months to find even a modicum of truth, WWN brings you its essential guide to transfer rumours:

The first ever transfer rumour was invented by Heinrich Rumour, a franco-german man who, frustrated at the lack of trophies at his local 8th division German side Eintracht Meincraft, speculated that Stanley Matthews ‘could do a job’ on the wing.

Matthews’ club Stoke were so outraged that a German side were poaching their player that it is speculated that the 1935 incident played some part in bringing Europe closer to war.

Transfer rumours were then embraced by Sky Sports after FIFA put in place transfer windows in 2002 to combat the high rise in violence carried out by football fans in the months when no football took place. The decision has seen a 400% reduction in lack of football matches related violence.

Each transfer window Sky Sports hand out the Wesley Sneijder To United Award For Persistent Transfer Rumour for the player linked to a club a record number of times over the summer. This year’s recipient has already been announced as Sergio Ramos. Such was the frequency with which Sneijder was linked to United that even the most illiterate of football fans had no trouble spelling his name.

During the summer months transfer rumours eclipse celebrity gossip stories for the high level of bullshit content, leaving many fans to distrust esteemed publications such as the Daily Mail and the Daily Star. Between 65-85% of football fans make the remarkable physical transformation into auld ones who love a gossip and a natter.

The average office worker spends up to 5 hours a day scrolling through rumours online, reducing their productivity by 1.4%.

In the most famous case of a transfer rumour getting out of hand, Manchester City fans were once 100% convinced that Brazilian player Robinho signed for them.

There are three phases to the football transfer rumour cycle: intrigue, annoyance, losing the will to live as the start of the season seems hopelessly far away. The media prioritise the most outlandish rumours in their sports coverage over actual news such as a boring transfer involving a small fee and Celtic.

This summer’s most credible rumour so far has been Ronaldo’s return to Old Trafford for a fee of €756 million.