5 Must Attend Funerals For Every Local Politician

WITH an election likely to take place early next year, WWN brings hopeful politicians the 5 must attend funerals to be seen at in order to secure a vote.

1) Sean McDonagh – expected to pop his clogs sometime this summer from a massive heart attack. Guided St Judes to their first county title in 30 years back in 1991. A well loved sporting legend so if you have any notion, you’ll get your arse down there and shake the hands off everyone in attendance.

2) Annie Doyle – 3rd cousin twice removed from Michael Collins. A true patriot vaguely linked to the Big Fella, you’d be mad to skip this funeral in favour of going to that meeting on adult literacy levels in impoverished areas. Annie will have a bit of a fall and then contract pneumonia some time next month. Remember to wikipedia Michael Collins before attending just to brush up.

3) Asafa Murphy – black lad who was hugely popular member of staff at St Anne’s Secondary School. Taught maths or something, doesn’t really matter, he’s black and people need to know you know minorities exist. Wasn’t married and his parents are long dead, if you get down to the church early, you might be able to secure a prayer for the faithful to read out. Asafa will go by way of a car crash late September.

4) John Mulvaney – big donor to the party and gave you that brown envelope on your first council run in 1999. A pillar of the community and great businessman, there will be serious competition for the seats up the front. You should not rule out camping over night. Shotgun, God love him.

5) Rachel Dillane – mother of seventeen, that’s a lot of votes. She was beautiful too which is very important. You would be wise not to rule of crying and pretending you were thinking of your own late mother. Poor Rachel will die in a death related incident in early June.