Aries March 21 – April 19
Switching to a Paleolithic, gluten free, non-dairy diet will temporarily give you a sense of purpose in your otherwise shallow and meaningless life.
Taurus April 20 – May 20
Take a chance and ask out that girl who’s on your train every morning! Statistics show that women find being chatted up while commuting to be creepy and off-putting, but it’ll be a laugh for the rest of us.
Gemini May 21 – June 20
OMG! You will hear a song on the radio that was TOTALLY written about you. It’s eerie. It’s like they know you. They know your soul.
Cancer June 21 – July 22
Those ideas that you’ve been working on for ages, the ones that you really feel could propel you to the next level in your career? Better keep them to yourself. What if everyone thinks they’re stupid? Don’t kid yourself that you can handle that kind of rejection.
Leo July 23 – August 22
Having binge-watched those four leaked episodes of Game Of Thrones, you now have nothing to watch for the next month. Well done, genius. Real good work.
Virgo August 23 – September 22
Fuck it, update Adobe Flash. What’s the worst that could happen?
Libra September 23 – October 22
This week’s Libra is on holidays.
Scorpio October 23 – November 21
Flash! A-ah, savior of the Universe. Flash! A-ah. He’ll save every one of us (Seemingly there is no reason for these extraordinary intergalactical upsets) (Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha) (What’s happening Flash?) (Only Doctor Hans Zarkhov, formerly at NASA, has provided any explanation) Flash! A-ah. He’s a miracle (This morning’s unprecedented solar eclipse is no cause for alarm) Flash! A-ah. King of the impossible. He’s for every one of us, stand for every one of us, he save with a mighty hand. Every man, every woman, e1very child, with a mighty. Flash! (General Kala, Flash Gordon approaching.) (What do you mean Flash Gordon approaching? Open fire! All weapons! Dispatch war rocket Ajax to bring back his body) Flash! A-ah (Gordon’s alive!) Flash! A-ah. He’ll save every one of us. Just a man with a man’s courage. You know he’s nothing but a man and he can never fail no one but the pure at heart may find the Golden Grail…Oh..Oh……..Oh..Oh…. (Flash, Flash, I love you, but we only have fourteen hours to save the Earth!) Flash!
Sagittarius November 22 – December 21
This week you send your sex life into new and exciting places by masturbating with your left hand.
Capricorn December 22 – January 19
This week you will compare yourself unfavourably with Jennifer Lawrence.
Aquarius January 20 – February 18
‘The pen is mightier than the sword’ proves to be utter bullshit when you’re challenged to a duel by an 18th century French aristocrat later this week.
Pisces February 19 – March 20
This week you will mostly be a disappointment to yourself…Oh you don’t like what I have to say? Fine, go buy a fucking fortune cookie you ungrateful prick!