Irish Train Breaks Record For Slowest Wifi Connection

JUST hours after Japan’s maglev train broke the world speed record by topping out at an impressive 603kpr, comes the news that Iarnród Éireann has set a record of its own.

Passengers on the 7.20am train from Portlaoise to Dublin have confirmed to WWN that Iarnród Éireann set a new record for slowest wifi connection ever.

“I tried sending an email once I hooked up to the wifi and it finally sent when the train got into to Dublin, but that was only because I refused to get off until it bloody sent,” regular train user Thomas Johnson told WWN.

“Took three security guards to get me off, but I sent that email to Iarnród Éireann customer services and let me tell you it was full of some great anger and train puns,” added Johnson. The commuter wouldn’t be drawn on the rumours that someone once successfully sent a spreadsheet via wifi in early 2013.

Head of connectivity at Iarnród Éireann Niall Gregory has admitted they were beaming with pride at the news.

“You don’t get into the train industry in Ireland for the records and the awards, but we’ll take them when we get them. We’re particularly proud at having watched so many people take selfies only to find they’re a bitch to upload onto social media,” Gregory confirmed.

Gregory would not confirm the rumour that Iarnród Éireann also set the record for the fastest clogging of a toilet on its Belfast to Dublin service.

While Iarnród Éireann are certainly celebrating, the same can’t be said for staff at Dublin coffee shop Sam Wedge, where three of its staff were brutally murdered after telling several iPhone users that the cafe wifi was not free.