WWN Horoscopes

Aries March 21 – April 19

This week your life won’t be complete until you can assign bitchy comments to each and every dress you saw some famous people wearing on a red carpet.

Taurus April 20 – May 20

This week you will be fired after failing to resist the urge to do an over the top German accent in front of your new Munich-based bosses.

Gemini May 21 – June 20

Thanks to the Moon’s aura, or something like that, a friendship, which may seem unlikely at first, blossoms between you and your wife as you both finally start getting along after 35 years of hostility and hatred.

Cancer June 21 – July 22

Yeah, I’m not sure how you’re going to explain getting your penis caught in the hoover either. Best of luck with that.

Leo July 23 – August 22

Leo, it’s about time Leo won a fucking Oscar, right?

Virgo August 23 – September 22

Good news: you find close to the €4.5 million buried in the back garden. Bad news: it is entirely made up of 1 cent coins.

Libra September 23 – October 22

This week you will want to advance yourself in life, so much so that you almost start to put the work in that is required in order to achieve that.

Scorpio October 23 – November 21

They know.

Sagittarius November 22 – December 21

This week you will become lodged in a toilet bowl after falling victim to a perfectly hilarious office prank. With the seat greased up with butter you slip down momentarily into the bowl which is lined with glue. And you thought there were no drawbacks to having a lovely skinny bottom.

Capricorn December 22 – January 19

Love and friendship combine this week as your wife and your best friend begin an affair.

Aquarius January 20 – February 18

I’m not sure how to overcome your crippling fear of doors either, but your new job as a door-to-door salesman for Sky probably isn’t going to help.

Pisces February 19 – March 20

This week’s Pisces will be announced at 4pm today under Clery’s clock on O’Connell St in Dublin.