Who Had The Best Coke At This Years Oscars?

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IT has finally come to pass: Oscars night. As predicted, some of the best South American cocaine made it all the way to the red carpet again this year. But who snorted the most, and who had the purest supply? WWN headed backstage to find out.

Clint Eastwood.

Brandishing this beautiful 8-ball before the ceremony, Hollywood die-hard Clint Eastwood proved yet again that his high-grade Bolivian was years ahead of the rest with its unique hydro chloride processing and 87% purity. Guests at his table were treated to a replica American sniper rifle mounted at the centre that could shoot plastic pellets of coke at other tables.

“Clint never fails with his supply.” commented girlfriend Christina Sandera. “I spent the night aiming at the cast of the Interstella. Coke really does help you concentrate more. I must have landed about four grams of the stuff into Matthew McConaughey’s gaping mouth. He kept shouting for more. At least that’s what I think he was saying.”

Neil Patrick Harris

As host of this year’s show, it was down to Neil Patrick Harris to come up with the backstage goods for Oscar winners who had to leave their tables for several minutes to collect the coveted prize.

“I knew they would be strung out so I opted for a fast-acting crack based formula that could be easily smoked between appearances.” explained Harris. “Trying to live up to Billy Crystal’s meth was always going to be a tough ride, but I think everyone enjoyed it – including myself.”

Harris admitted that stripping down to his underwear was probably not his best decision last night.

“I was burning up on that stage after dropping a hit of X with Patricia Arquette.” he added.

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Moone Boy – David Rawle

Our very own David Rawle also indulged in this year’s ceremony with a modest gram of sneachta, which he admitted ‘wasn’t the best in fairness’ and was too ashamed to share.

“It’s daunting when you have all these celebrities here with high grade stuff; and heres me with a gram of God knows what I picked up in Ballymun on the way to the airport.” he laughed. “My nose bled a few times already…. is that what’s meant to happen?”

Stephen Hawking

Relative newcomer and astrophysicist Stephen Hawking stole this year’s awards ceremony with an experimental LSD/cocaine concoction, much to the absolute gas of organisers who later had to restrain him following an altercation with Ben Alfleck, leaving the Hollywood star with several broken toes and a fractured jaw bone.  It is understood that members of the Theory of Everything table were later found partying at half six in the morning with Patrick Stewart in a Hollywood apartment.

“Everything was fine until Stephen insisted I perform Xavier lines from X-men.” Stewart told E Entertainment news earlier. “He was quite insistent, and made me take his chair from him to use. Things went sour after Stephen requested I make him walk around like a normal human being by using my ‘special telekinesis powers’. He got very upset when I told him I couldn’t do that. Plus, Xavier is a mind reader – not some kind of telekinesis man.

“A very amateur mistake in fairness.”

Stephen Hawking

That Guy Everyone Recognises But Can’t Remember His Name

Your man from Whiplash gave coke heads at the Oscars a run for their money this year with an incredible batch of yale, which he claims was bought from Pablo Escobar in 1989.

“I have been keeping this for the right time.” he said, slightly gurning. “My father bought this from an actual cop who used to work for Pablo in the late eighties. It was given to him by the man himself as a gift for torturing a 14-year-old rat.. You can almost feel the history trickling down your numb throat.”

John Travolta

According to just about everyone in attendance last night, actor and Scientologist John Travolta stole this years show by a long mile with his own brand coke, simply called: ‘Saturday Night Fever’. Sources close to the star. who owns his very own coca plantation in Bolivia, claim SNF was ‘top of the range’, coming in with a 93% purity rating and smashing records across the board.

Chopping off large lumps at the Oscars table, Travolta began hurling balls of coke across the Dolby Theatre like a mad man.

“Every year John likes to outdo everyone else by sneaking in a kilo of rock cocaine to the awards.” said a friend. “John doesn’t even take the stuff. He just loves the female attention it brings him.”

 

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