Dublin Man ‘Just A Friend’ For 134th Time



THERE were touching yet somewhat depressing scenes in Dublin last night as friends gathered to acknowledge perennial ‘just a friend’ Darragh Sweeney on the occasion of his 25th birthday.

“Ah, I love him to bits,” shared beautiful model and strictly friends with Darragh, Ciara Coveney. “Me and Darragh? God, no! I mean he asked me out and wrote me love letters back in the day, but like, that was years ago. We’re just really close friends.”

Champagne flowed as Darragh and a harem of women danced suggestively on his general crotch area only to quickly depart the dance floor when he ‘gave them the eye’.

All of Darragh’s 134 female friends were in agreement when they collectively said ‘the girl who gets Darragh will be the luckiest girl in the world. So, so, so lucky. It just so happens that out of all the girls he has formed close bonds with, absolutely none of them would touch him with a barge pole. But like the one is out there for him somewhere.”

WWN asked Darragh what the next your had in store for him and was romance on the cards.

“Well, there’s one girl here, who has just started at work – Jenny. I think I’ll ask her out after my next jagerbomb. I really think I’m getting vibes off her, ya know?” Darragh explained optimistically.

Towards the end of the night Darragh was placed in a chair to receive 25 platonic yet incredibly frustrating kisses on the cheek to mark his birthday.

“Like, he is actually so good looking when you think about it,” remarked close friend Sorcha White, “but like it’s Darragh so you’d totally ring the Guards if he tried anything,” Sorcha added.

As many as 12 girls in attendance that they have spooned Darragh on sleepover, but their boyfriends didn’t mind as it ‘just Darragh’.

“Wait, what? I got changed in front of him earlier,” shared a now distressed love interest Jenny, “I was convinced he was fucking gay. He offered to blowdry my hair for Christ sake,” Jenny explained to WWN.

While official records are lacking, it is thought that Darragh is Ireland’s most ‘friendzoned’ Irish male in history.