Government Fairly Confident Things Can’t Get Any Worse



THE GOVERNMENT said today it was ‘fairly confident’ that things couldn’t get any worse and urged the remaining people in Ireland to be optimistic about the future of the local economy.

Speaking from his arse earlier, finance minister Michael Noonan told WWN he believes the economy has more or less ‘bottomed out’ and expects gross domestic product to increase sometime in the future.

“The good news is; the country can’t get any worse.” he explained. “It has no other option but to get better.

“Kind of like Brian McFadden’s music career.”

The finance minister added that the large numbers of unemployed people emigrating was a major contributing factor in the recovery process – hinting at a possible ’emigration grant’ for unemployed people willing to leave the country of their own free will.

“We are looking into handing out advances on the social welfare for the long term unemployed who wish to depart the island for good,” he said.

Mr Noonan said the department of social and family affairs are waiting to sign off on the motion, which would see bulk payments of up to twelve months being awarded to candidates willing to fuck off somewhere else.

“If they take the bait, it will be better for the economy in the long run,” he said. “Rather than having them milking the system for the rest of their miserable lives in Ireland.”