THE IRISH media has announced its intention to soon cease all coverage of news, politics, culture, sport, science and fashion in favour of permanently dedicating itself to 24/7, round the clock coverage of the weather.
Routinely warning of abysmal showers and storms, the Irish media normally reveals how the days following a bad spell of weather could turn out just lovely, before returning to the first phase of its reporting in a bid to repeat itself ad nauseam, and the Irish public will now be treated to this without all the other non-weather related nonsense that occurs in the world.
“Oh my fucking God, it’s the Sun,” read the vast majority of publications for much of the last three weeks, not feeling the need to change or alter their reporting in the slightest.
The Six One news is to be replaced with an hour programme listing places Ireland is either hotter or colder than, with newspapers now solely filled with piss poor weather puns like ‘Costa Del Dublin’.
Such is the obsession the Irish public has for weather, and how weathery all types of different weather can be, publications have taken to issuing bombastic and doom laden headlines to draw in the clicks of people who get their news via mobile devices. Realising how successful this method is, publications have abandoned news altogether.
“Irish people deserve to know what weather has just happened, is currently happening, and will happen, and we can’t dedicate enough time to this if we’re covering shite like news,” one editor of a prominent copy and paster of Met Éireann forecasts.
Under the new plan to cover weather and only weather, publications have confirmed that from now on, light rain showers will be referred to as ‘torrential torrents of raining rainfall that could sink Cork’ while chilly 10 degree weather will be referred to as ‘Saturday’s summer’s sizzle set to be a red hot fire hell-scape which is a further sign of climate change, but look, it’ll be great to hit the beach’.