So You’ve Just Done A Monster Shit In A Unisex Toilet
WWN are all-in when it comes to creating a safe, inviting space for all our employees, regardless of race, creed, or gender, and as such we’ve adopted a number of unisex toilet facilities around our office to ensure the comfort of staff who may not identify as any particular sex.
However, whatever you identity as, you can appreciate the situation one might find themselves in after utterly destroying the bowl with a prize-worthy dump after a hard night out on the drink and the kebabs, only to realise that there’s a member of the opposite sex standing outside the stall waiting on you to emerge.
We at WWN pride ourselves on our inclusiveness, but we still have a long way to go when it comes to being comfortable around Kelly from accounts payable while the mist of our filth hangs thick in the air. Should you work in a similar environment, here’s a few tips:
1) Learn to be more comfortable
Boys don’t mind farting around boys. Girls don’t mind doing wet shites around girls. This is all due to years of social conditioning where the two sexes were taught to act in a certain way, to either afford the other sex a modicum of respect, or to maintain an air of dignity and decorum because that’s what society demanded of you. In a unisex toilet situation, you just have to be brave enough to smash through these chains and own your Monday morning scutters; stride out of that stall and cheerfully greet whoever is in the room, whether that’s Janet who you have lunch with every day, or the cute lad who fixes the photocopier from time to time. They’re all waiting on you to get out so they can poop too! Everyone poops! Let’s all poop together!
2) Stop acting like you’ve been caught doing something
Guys: the first time you emerge from a stall in a unisex bathroom and there’s a woman standing there, you may feel like you’ve accidentally wandered into the women’s jacks (Again! lol). Girls, you too! This is just a byproduct of spending your whole life going to a toilet exclusive for your own gender. It just feels unnatural, but you’ll get over this. Like the rat in the The Abyss, the one they put in the oxygenated liquid and he breathed it in? Based on the science that we all breathe liquid in the womb, we just have to remember how to do it again? And initially the rat was like, fuck this! Liquid! I’m drowning! And then he was like, oh yeah, wait, this is grand actually. You have seen The Abyss, right?
3) Dirty protest
Of course if you’re a bigot who isn’t into this whole gender-fluid-friendly community that we’re trying to cultivate here, you could go full Hunger Striker and smear large amounts of feaces on the stall walls and scrawl ‘this is what I always do in toilets so just get used to it’ in poop on the mirror. That’s not on, Jeff. You’re fired.