CHOOSING the twistiest, most impassable route to cycle on can be one of the most difficult decisions an amateur cyclist has to do before setting off. Thankfully, veteran WWN reporter and vegetarian cyclist Matthew Hearne has all the advice you need to become another statistic on our country’s roads.
At this time every year, literally tens of cyclists take to the nation’s roads in the hopes of toning up, getting in shape, and more importantly, maximising traffic disruption. However, it’s not as easy as one may think; getting in a car’s way is in itself an artform only developed after years of mis-cycling. Luckily for us cyclists, there is an unlimited supply of dangerous roads in Ireland to choose from, so taking your own life into your hands and getting snuffed out has never been easier.
First of all, make sure to travel on the road of choice at its busiest time, because let’s face it, nothing riles up a homebound motorist more than delaying them by 30, even 40 seconds as they anxiously wait behind your non-tax applicable road vehicle, giving them no other option but to overtake you in a fit of rage on a dangerous bend and crash into an oncoming car, which should be exactly your intention every time you jump on your bike.
Picking the worst part of a bad bend, stand and listen for an oncoming car, before then jumping on the saddle and purposely getting in their way as they approach – this is a common move every cyclist likes to do which forces motorists to hit their brakes with their foot and change down a gear or two with their hand, which is apparently a really difficult task for them to do.
Avoid roads with cycle lanes. This is surprisingly easy in Ireland as very few Irish roads actually have fully functioning cycle lanes that are not also being illegally used as a hard shoulder by motorists – the island is your oyster as far as this point is concerned.
Cycle in groups of two abreast to maximise tensions. Hungover Sundays are the best time to do this. Pick a nice scenic coastal road that you know will be jam- packed, and head out with your cycling mates. Smile and pretend to passing motorists that you actually enjoy cycling for its physical exercise, making sure not to give the real game away. Strategically organise each two abreast group just enough distance apart to disrupt the whole traffic flow. And remember: this is war, us against them, and nothing to do with our government’s failure to keep our roads up to date with the current times.