Foolproof Guide To Taking A Dump On A Date & Getting Away With It
A RECENT story revolving around a Tinder date, a massive shit and a woman becoming trapped in a window has brought into focus the all too harrowing pressure women feel to deny the fact that yes, the female of the species, also partake in dropping the kids off at the pool.
It the aftermath of the tragic event WWN launched the hugely successful ‘I poo too’ campaign, which saw leading figures such as Angela Merkel, Jennifer Lawrence, Beyonce, Malala Yousafzai, Margaret Atwood, Michelle Obama, Kate Moss and Sheryl Sandberg admit that yes they too do indeed poo. Those videos, viewed over 400 million times have done a lot of good this week yet it seems it still isn’t enough.
Despite the amazing progress made in such a short time in the matter of Female Defecation Admittance, so many women remain in fear of being out and about, dating away to their heart’s content only to stricken down by the fearful ‘poo panic’. Panic not. Poo away. For WWN has the essential guide to taking a satisfyingly large mid-date dump and getting away with it.
Burn down whatever house, restaurant, structure you are currently in
That little butt-nugget could be the death of you romantically and socially. Forever shunned by your peers after it is revealed your large poos are flush proof. Don’t take the risk, simply set your date’s home on fire, but remember faeces have a melting point of 1,000 degrees so make sure the fire rages for at least 2 hours before calling the fire brigade.
Okay, less extreme; carry around a vat of acid with you everywhere you go
Concerned your date will ask ‘why are you carrying around a vat of acid with you?’ Never fear, a confident response which mocks his lack of knowledge will dispel any suspicions he has and make him feel rather embarrassed. “It’s fucking fashion, David, ever heard of it?” That vat of acid is basically the new romper and you’re wearing it like the fierce bitch you are. But seriously, when you go for a shit, open up the vat and drop your poo in there, it will disintegrate in seconds*
*Except if you have corn in that stool, acid is no match for that.
Explain that all the Kardashians are doing it
Taking ‘fashion’ one step further. Rely on the inherent stupidity of men to believe in the inherent stupidity of women. Try telling your date that the reason there’s a large deposit of poop in his toilet is not because it was so monstrous that modern, 21st century plumbing was defeated, but due to the fact Kylie Jenner’s most recent Instagram post made shitting in a toilet and leaving it there fashionable. Your date will simply roll his eyes and think what a strange lot women are, and how he’ll never understand them.
Convince him he wants it
You’ve got as far as the bedroom and things have taken a turn for the sexy but you’re bloated and in need a oneway ticket to Pooville. Why not take a calculated risk and presume that your date, being a man under the age of 90, is addicted to all manner of disturbing pornography and his sexual expectations are so unrealistic and warped that if you were to take a dump on his chest right there and then it would probably make him climax. Win, win for everyone.