987 Irish Celebrities To Launch Healthy Eating & Fitness Books This Week
RESPONDING to the desperate shortage of tomes on health and fitness and food thrown together by celebrities you’re almost sure aren’t celebrities at all, close to 1,000 famous figures in Irish life have released books this week.
“Technically, you’re a certified dietitian if your abs selfie gets over 300 likes on Instagram,” explained one time extra on Celebrity Bainisteoir Grainne Kelly, “I was just inundated with people saying ‘oh my god you should write one of those healthy living books I’ve seen on every shelf in every shop for the last 4 years, there’s not enough of them’ so I did it,” Kelly said, recalling a conversation she had in the mirror with herself.
Kelly dismissed any criticism surrounding her book launch by pointing out ‘have you seen how good my arse looks on social media?’.
Speaking of the public’s growing appetite for health and fitness books written by people who spend the majority of their time stuck in a permanent selfie pose, publishing expert Leon Grey explained the phenomenon.
“Thick people love buying stupid shit,” Grey explained, expounding on the intricacies of the crowded waste of money marketplace.
“Research shows that if there’s a smiling lad with muscles on a book cover next to a salad or a woman in a florescent sports bra next to some hummus, they are basically a licence to print money,” added Grey.
While the emerging ‘exercise until the stinging criticisms from your overbearing mother no longer cut through you like a knife through organic almond butter’ market is increasingly competitive, there remains hope for the 987 celebrities launching a book this week.
“Look at this bellend’s book,” observed Grey, “The Beautiful Body Beautiful: Eat, Laugh, Smile, Oxidise, Yoga And Exercise And Meditate Your Way To Organic Happiness And Fit Into That Dress Yolo, what is this eejit on about? If one more fucker who has Snapchat and was in Fair City for five seconds tells me it’s okay to have a cheat meal I’ll go insane”.