Celtic & Rangers Fans Delighted To Be Back Killing Each Other

FANS from both sides of the bitter Glasgow footballing divide have expressed their joy at finally being able to viciously assault each other, as Glasgow Celtic and Glasgow Rangers faced off this weekend in the first Scottish Premier League Old Firm derby in four years.

Rangers, making a return to the league after being forced to accept relegation to the third division in 2012 amid a slew of legal and financial crises, returned to Parkhead to face their old rivals and enjoy a 5-1 thrashing in the process.

However, the real celebrations were done off the pitch, as fans of both teams picked up their campaigns of sectarian hatred exactly where they left off without missing a beat.

All the old slurs and taunts rang out around the stadium, with ugly scenes apparent from all sides. Thousands of pounds worth of damage was done to facilities within the stadium by visiting Rangers fans, and this was followed by thousands of punches worth of damage to each others faces as the tensions boiled over.

“It’s great to have them back again, in fairness,” said one Celtic fan we spoke to.

“It wasn’t the same without them. You don’t get the same atmosphere when you’re playing against Partick Thistle or Dundee. No, you want the Rangers lads to yell abuse at, and get it back, and then kick the shit out of each other. It’s what Scottish football is all about”.