WWN’s Horoscopes
aries
21 March – 20 April
It is becoming apparent that you cannot be trusted to keep drink in the house.
taurus
21 April – 21 May
JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS WAKE THE FUCK UP
gemini
May 21 – June 20
Only 5 more sleeps until you stop measuring time in sleeps like a child.
cancer
June 21 – July 22
Every day is a duvet day when you walk around wrapped in a duvet. Oh we’re sorry, is that against the law? To wrap yourself in a duvet while at work? We don’t see it written anywhere.
leo
July 23 – August 22
We’ve got some great news! For us. For you, not so much.
virgo
August 23 – September 22
There’s the bin men. Taking the bin, putting the rubbish in the bin lorry, driving off. Annnnnd that’s Monday.
libra
September 23 – October 22
You stand in chewing-gum AND dogshit today. You smell like minty dogshit.
scorpio
October 23 – November 21
Spicebag on a Monday? Sure why not.
sagittarius
November 22 – December 21
Keep your pencil sharp, your powder dry, your hair long and your mustard creamy.
capricorn
December 22 – January 19
You’re still wearing your Electric Picnic wristband, because deep down you’re a total sap.
aquarius
January 20 – February 18
Your decision to run away and join ISIS is proving to be ill-thought out, at best.
pisces
February 19 – March 20
You smell like teen spirit.