WWN’s Horoscopes

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aries

21 March – 20 April

It is becoming apparent that you cannot be trusted to keep drink in the house.  

taurus

21 April – 21 May

JET FUEL CAN’T MELT STEEL BEAMS WAKE THE FUCK UP

gemini

May 21 – June 20

Only 5 more sleeps until you stop measuring time in sleeps like a child.  

cancer

June 21 – July 22

Every day is a duvet day when you walk around wrapped in a duvet. Oh we’re sorry, is that against the law? To wrap yourself in a duvet while at work? We don’t see it written anywhere.

leo

July 23 – August 22

We’ve got some great news! For us. For you, not so much.  

virgo

August 23 – September 22

There’s the bin men. Taking the bin, putting the rubbish in the bin lorry, driving off. Annnnnd that’s Monday.

libra

September 23 – October 22

You stand in chewing-gum AND dogshit today. You smell like minty dogshit.  

scorpio

October 23 – November 21

Spicebag on a Monday? Sure why not.  

sagittarius

November 22 – December 21

Keep your pencil sharp, your powder dry, your hair long and your mustard creamy.  

capricorn

December 22 – January 19

You’re still wearing your Electric Picnic wristband, because deep down you’re a total sap.  

aquarius

January 20 – February 18

Your decision to run away and join ISIS is proving to be ill-thought out, at best.  

pisces

February 19 – March 20

You smell like teen spirit.

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