Labour TDs Tell Alan Kelly That He Can’t Sit With Them Anymore

BELEAGUERED Labour TD Alan Kelly has resorted to eating his lunch in the disabled toilets, after his fellow party TDs told him that he couldn’t sit with them in the Dáil canteen anymore.

Kelly, still smarting from not getting a single Labour TD to support him in his bid for party leadership, has been spotted heading to the bathroom with his sandwiches during big break, with many surmising that the unpopular Tipperary North TD doesn’t want to be seen eating at his desk like a big saddo.

Insiders confirmed that the dining arrangements of the Labour party had become frayed in the months since losing the majority of their seats and a share in the coalition government at the last general election. Kelly, who gave an interview to the Irish Independent in which he claimed “power is like a drug”, was edged out of the Labour table in the canteen over a series of weeks, until being told outright that he “couldn’t sit here anymore”.

“They’d be making all these excuses, like there wasn’t enough room at the table, or they were holding a seat for someone,” said Delores Kinsella, canteen lady in the Dáil.

“Until in the end, Brendan Howlin got up and yelled ‘you can’t sit with us anymore’… we in the canteen here all think Kelly is a bit of a sap, but your heart would break looking at him walking away with his yogurt and his Capri Sun”.