The 10 Questions You Should Ask Election Candidates Knocking On Your Door

IT’S not easy encountering your local election candidates on the doorstep, they are slippery, eel like creatures, who evade questioning easily.

Luckily for all prospective voters, WWN is here with a list of 10 questions that are sure to test the craven and sly brain of all candidates:

1) “Well, what are you going to do?” Bang! Hit them with the big one. Well, sunshine, what are YOU going to do? If your candidate crumbles to the ground and begins weeping intensely while saying ‘I don’t know, I don’t know’, you’ll know you’ve defeated them at the first hurdle. And these fuckers think they’re so bloody smart.

2) “Look, it’s your one off them posters! Jaysus, you look much worse in real life” A pseudo-question, but it makes an impact all the same. Your way of saying you have studied their career and their opponents careers with intensity, scrutinising every contribution they have made at council level right up to statements made on the Dáil record. You don’t just make superficial judgments and let them guide you at the polls. You’ve got them right where you want them.

3) This one isn’t a question so much. Open the door and hand them a brown envelope. If they refuse it, they are one of two things – honest or too smart to fall into your crap. Next hand them a different colour envelope, white perhaps. If they take that, shout ‘A ha!’ as loudly as you can for you have placed a brown envelope within the white envelope. You’ve caught that corrupt so-in-so in the act.

4) “Have you any kids yourself?” It’s important to shout this one, it’s a heavy hitter, and remember if they say yes, political experts believe that is supposed to mean something, what exactly, we’re not sure. Likewise, in the case of them answering ‘no’ too.

5) “If a train is travelling at 60 miles per hour and leaves Hueston station at 10.38am, what time will it arrive in Maynooth which is 17 miles away?” Had this in my Junior Cert maths exam years ago, if you could ask all candidates, I really want the answer, been bugging me for years.

6) “What are you going to do for ME?” A slight variation on your opening gambit, but it is important to know, in this day and age when all corners of Irish society are crumbling to its shaky foundations, what is a politician willing to do for you? An extra 20 quid in your back pocket maybe? A new car?

7) “Don’t cod me, you lot are all the same, aren’t you?” You’ve got your local candidate right where you want them, they didn’t realise you knew all about the CIA cloning program in the 60s which grew all politicians in test tubes all from DNA strands of Adolf Hitler. They’ll have to get up earlier than this to catch you.

8) “What about all those jobs for the boys?” Exactly, it’s just sexist, where are all the jobs for girls? Specifically girls directly related to people in positions of power and influence. The fact they can’t get any cushy numbers is a disgrace.

9) “I’m tired, can you just tell me you’re not a corrupt bitch/bastard, I need a lie down, I feel weak” Hang on in there, you’re nearly there, we know caring about all this politics shite can really take it out of you, just one more question and we’re home and hosed.

10) “Was 9/11 an inside job?” It all comes back to this, and if they don’t tell it like it is, well, you’ve got your answer.