“Lads, Could You Not Have Waited ‘Til After The Election?” – Gerry Adams

“SERIOUSLY?” Gerry Adams says, holding his head in his hands. “Could they not have waited three weeks to shoot that lad? Was there something wrong with shooting him in March? Were their bullets reaching their shoot-by date?”.

The leader of Sinn Féin was expressing his dismay at the Continuity IRA, who today claimed responsibility for last week’s shooting incident at the Regency Hotel in Dublin. A total of six gunmen were involved in the assassination of one of the alleged leading members of Dublin’s criminal underworld, after opening fire during the weigh-in for an upcoming boxing event.

The Continuity IRA, not to be confused with the Provisional IRA, the Real IRA, the Bona Fide IRA or the Totally Legit IRA, claimed that the murder was in retaliation for the shooting of Real IRA member Alan Ryan in September of 2012.

With the Taoiseach calling on Gerry Adams to clarify if the weapons used in the attack are similar to the IRA’s supposedly decommissioned cache, the Sinn Féin leader can do nothing but shake his head and sigh.

“A retaliation for a shooting that took place over three years ago, and they do it a fortnight before the general election,” winced Adams, pacing the floor.

“And now every other party has another stick to batter Sinn Féin with, even though we have nothing to do with the Continuity IRA. I have to sit down, this is wrecking my head. Where’s my phone ’til I tweet a few pictures of ducks or something”.

Meanwhile, Irish Independent crime correspondent Paul Williams has already put the finishing touches to a book about the Regency shooting, believed to be the first part of a trilogy.