A VINTAGE Irish year full of highs and lows can be boiled down to 10 defining moments which are legally obliged to feature in the 2015 episode of Reeling in the Years. A compromise list of those events are listed below:
Drugs legalised in Ireland
In May, thanks to a loophole put into Irish legislation on drug use, which was purposefully hidden in the constitution by avid Dáil cocaine users in the 1980s, Ireland momentarily became the drugs capital of the world, an Amsterdam on speed.
A joyous evening of near endless drug consumption saw several memorable scenes, none more so than the orgy involving the entire county of Laois, and of course the Dáíl’s compelling ‘who can snort the longest line of coke’ competition which was broadcast live on Oireachtas TV.
Shane Long decapitating Angela Merkel and successfully returning 2008 bailout funds back to Irish citizens
Shane Long’s excellent strike against the World Cup champions Germany is now firmly part of Ireland sporting legend, but more important was the knock on effect the 1-0 victory had. The German government was forced into an embarrassing u-turn which saw plans to turn the Gaeltacht communities in Ireland in ‘little Berlin’ permanently shelved. Long’s decision to climb up into the stands of the Aviva after his goal to behead German chancellor Angela Merkel is thought to have been a big factor in the German government putting their plans on hold.
Some crap viral video
Some video, bizarrely celebrated for excelling in mediocrity, had the country’s social media accounts all a flutter. We’ve already forgotten what it was, but it involved someone doing something and it was fecking gas.
Storm Desmond wreaked havoc on the Nation and resulted in severe flooding which was so devastating the Government was forced into acting swiftly and putting money into a viable flood defence system which involved using cost effective monitoring systems which can be placed on the country’s rivers. This seamless end to the constant threat of flooding was made very swiftly by the Government as they made use of Google and found out that they are hundreds of companies who offer the services required at a reasonable price, meaning flooding on this scale will never happen again. Ever. Literally never again.
The floods also created a star out of weather woman, Teresa Mannion, who has since signed a lucrative deal to star in an x-rated porn version of her news report titled Don’t Make Any Unnecessary Orgies.
Swearing in of Panti as Queen of Ireland
An emotional ceremony attended by everyone in Ireland who is on Twitter saw Michael D. Higgins swear in Panti Bliss as Ireland’s one and only true Queen due to Panti single-handedly securing Marriage Equality for everyone. A septre made entirely out of dildos was bestowed upon the Queen of Ireland along with a crown made of elderly Catholic’s tears, and as is custom, she was granted the right to herd sheep in Stephen’s Green and cover the entire park’s surface in glitter all year round.
The Marriage Referendum was a hot topic of debate in Ireland before it passed, and as is tradition with things that involve intense debate and fear mongering, those opposing the progressive decision have been proved right, as it can be said without a shadow of a doubt that the country is now, thanks to gay marriage, a den of unspeakable sin resembling a disturbing scene from a strip club run by Satan himself.
Irish Water protests
The semi-state body which seems allergic to being run well, was subjected to over 4 billion separate protests this year alone. Disparate sections of Irish society came together many times to protest the water charges, with many vowing never to use water again until it was free. This has obviously contributed to the overall increase in horrible smells in the country as very few people are even washing themselves anymore. There is hope that 2016 will be a more harmonious year, full of better hygiene and smells.
The 4 million crises in the HSE
The health system was defined by a record number of crises this year, which included patients getting sick and waiting on trolleys for 9 months on purpose in an effort to ruin Leo Varadkar’s hopes of becoming the Taoiseach one day.
IRA making a comeback and selling out the 3 Arena
Many people refused to believe they were back in business, but the IRA proved their timeless popularity by selling out the 3 Arena for an amazing 7 nights. Tapping into Ireland’s love of nostalgia, the 7 nights sold out in record time. Next year will see them perform their classics such as intimidation, fuel laundering and arms dealing.
Everybody hates spoilers, and this was increasingly true in 2015 as Waterford man Nigel Kearns revealed key plot details of 2015 to the Nation while having a few pints in his local on the 1st of January last. Claims that homelessness is here to stay, and that people would feel increasingly fed up with any and all politics meant many people had the year’s juiciest plotlines ruined for them.
Kearns stood by his decision to ruin it for everyone else, and even went as far as to say next year is actually just a repeat episode.