WWN Guide To Getting The Most Out Of A 1sq Foot Apartment

WITH space in the capital at a premium and fresh news that the council wants to reduce the minimum size for an apartment in Dublin, there is no better time to familiarise yourself with how to make the most of your 1 square foot apartment:

Strapping a magnifying glass to each eye is a great start, everything appears much bigger and can really aid you in trying to remain positive about your 900 euro a month slum-mansion.

Furniture? What is it only just more bloody clutter, do you really need that couch, lamp, wardrobe or bed? Come on, it’s time to stop trying to live so extravagantly. And while we’re at it, get rid of the toilet and learn how to piss out the window… Oh, you don’t have a window? Empty out a coke bottle and voila: budget compact toilet at the ready.

Lie to friends and family and say you prefer a ‘minimalist’ approach. We don’t know what it means either, but it seems to shut people up as they dislocate their shoulder trying to fit in through the front door.

While not suitable for all 1sq foot apartment owners, joining a travelling circus for a week to learn the basics of body contortion is recommended. It’ll just help when trying to get settled in bed at night, and no one likes leaving their legs in the hallway at night so if possible contort that body into a ball, scrunch up tight and don’t let the bed bugs bite.

If you still can’t get a good night’s sleep simply couch surf at any of your friends’ places. Yes, you’ll become a nuisance, but just lie and tell them the landlord is building at 2ft balcony garden viewing deck terrace roof palace and they’ll be understanding.

Become a glass half full kind of person, sure in a modern capital such as Dublin the city council should seek to advance and strengthen the rights of tenants so that the property sector is no longer deeply exploitative of tenants, but in fairness it could be worse you could be living in a .5 sq foot apartment and as we know they only fetch €400,000 at auction.