It’s that time of year again when seemingly functioning adults retreat to cosy couches and transform into shivering messes engulfed in their own self pity. Today we have decided to bring you some good old Irish cold remedies.
5: Necking A Heap Of Bangers
Ecstasy tablets are renowned for causing people to sweat profusely and dance like idiots, but the health benefits of the designer drug are still unknown. Many users swear by the drug, claiming that just one tablet can clear a cold in just eight hours. It is believed among users that the elevated body temperature mixed with the sweating and euphoric high can kill 99% of bugs or viruses in the system. Although there is no real evidence to support the theory, “necking a hape of bangers” is still one of Ireland’s most used cold remedies used to this day.
4: Snorting A Bottle Of Holy Water From Lourdes
This common practice was developed in the 1960’s and involves the patient to attach a large straw to the top of a bottle of Lourdes holy water with Bluetac or sellotape. Several decades of the rosary are said before the cold sufferer puts his nose to the straw and snorts. They must switch from nostril to nostril until the whole bottle is empty. Tradition has it they must visit a local grotto for some post snorting prayers before retiring to bed. Scientists believe the micro-organisms in Lourdes water kill bacteria in the nose and throat and is also good for piles.
3: A Hot Micky
For this you will need some cloves, lemon, sugar, some hot water and the patient’s penis. Carefully cut the lemon evenly into slices. Taking one slice, insert a clove into each of the segments of the slice. Now pour 400ml to 600ml of hot water (not boiling) into the glass. Add in two to three spoons of sugars, depending on your taste. Drop the clove stabbed lemon slice into the glass and stir until you are happy everything is mixed together properly. Zipping down the pants, carefully insert the patient’s penis into the glass, keeping it there for several minutes until shrivelled like a raisin. Once luke warm, make the patient drink the glass. Boom! – a hot micky.
2: Sacrificing An Illegitimate Child
Not so much practiced anymore due to political correctness laws introduced from Europe in the late 70’s, sacrificing an illegitimate child was one of the most common cold remedies used in Ireland throughout the 19th and 20th centuries. The remedy involved the patient visiting a local woman’s centre to attend a ritual mass hosted by specially trained nuns from Rome. After a brief 30 minute service, the patient would be handed a small illegitimate child to sacrifice. It is not known the success rate of this remedy, but historians believe it must have been quite high due to the large numbers of sacrifices carried out across the country.
1: Dissolving Two Disprin In A Glass Of Water
This is probably one of the more bizarre remedies we are featuring today. We are advising people not to try this at home as there is no medical evidence to prove it actually works. In the good old days, patients would be told to “buy” a “packet” of this special tablet called “Disprin” to bring home from the chemist. The patient was then instructed to “fill” a glass of “water” half way up. Then, for no clear reason whatsoever, they were asked to open the box of Disprin with their “hands”. Doctors at the time advised the patient to “drop” two of these devices into the water like stones and “stir” them repeatedly until they were “gone”. Then to seal the deal, the patient would have to “drink” the liquid raw with their mouth before then swallowing it whole. Disgusting!