WWN brings you yet another informative and diligently assembled list. This time providing you, the reader, with 8 ways to mend a broken heart. Have you had your heart ripped out by an unthinking and cruel ex? Is the town of Dumpsville count you as a resident (LOL where do we come with this stuff at all) then this is the list for you…
1. Have you informed friends of late that you’re heartbroken following the break up of your relationship? Bypass the €50 GP fee and go straight to a leading heart surgeon, with enough tears and pleading any qualified heart surgeon will do the right thing and perform a triple bypass on you then and there.
2. Is that broken heart showing no signs of mending? There is no better way to cure it than by writing a letter to yourself in ten years reminding yourself to write a letter to your younger self to tell them it wasn’t as big a big deal as you thought and that Dave was a real prick from the get go. Remember to send a copy of the letter onto Buzzfeed or Uproxx. Must be uplifting.
3. Option one looking a bit expensive because you don’t have health insurance? Can’t rely on an ineffectual health service? Well, you can always mend a broken heart using some household items such as sellotape and staples. You might need a friend’s help with this, and it could be a good idea to have an ambulance on standby. The use of industrial strength glue is not recommended.
4. Need to find solace amongst the wilderness that is your partner dumping you? Why not spend the next decade turning into the person you think they wanted you to be while utilising social media to stalk their every movement. This is an expensive option as plastic surgery, gym membership and paying friends to tell your ex you’re getting on just fine don’t come cheap.
5. What better way to warm the cockles of your heart than by paying a hitman to kill the person who wronged you. Not as expensive as you may think.
6. While other media organisations will glibly tell you ice cream and chocolate are the only cure for a broken heart that is quite clearly idiotic and scientifically baseless. Instead, you should go on a 12 month sojourn to Thailand, spending much of that time trying the local hallucinogens.
7. Write a letter to your local TD complaining about your partner’s decision to withdraw his/her love and commitment, then wait patiently for it to be brought up in the houses of the Oireachtas. Similarly, you can begin legal proceedings against your ex, demanding a court order that prevents them from no longer loving you.
8. Buy a pet and immediately begin transferring your love and unresolved issues for your ex to said pet. If you’ve already done this in the past well then, time to replace the pet with a child. This is really a last resort option and will most definitely end in tears for your new child.