Local Man Can’t Even Have Little Bump Before Driving To Work Anymore


“Let it be on the government’s head if I fall asleep at the wheel,” said local man Derek Tolsel upon hearing the news that motorists involved in traffic accidents will be made do a mandatory drug test from this weekend.

Tolsel is one of many motorists who will now have abstain from cocaine and other stimulants to help function during everyday life thanks to ridiculous new laws aimed to further take the fun out of driving.

“I’m more focused after a breakfast bump. What if I crash now from tiredness while dropping the kids off at school? Whose fault is it then?” put the father-of-three, “Another money racket is all it is!”

The new measures, which will take effect from Friday, are being introduced by Minister of Transport and Goodie Two Shoes Jack Chambers, who obviously has no idea of the number of people in Ireland able to drive perfectly fine on cocaine and other drugs.

“The fact that some drunk driver can slam into me, yet I get tested and done for cocaine is just typical Ireland,” another part-time father, full-time user told WWN.

An additional 10,000 Drugwipe test kits were purchased earlier this year to facilitate the new rules, with gardaí insisting they won’t invent fake testing numbers to make stats look good as was done during the breathalyzer scandal.

It is understood the new tests will not work on politicians, judges or senior members and players from the GAA.

Meanwhile, Google has confirmed a huge spike in the number of people searching how to flush cocaine from your system in 5 seconds.