Fine Gael Candidate Forced To Withdraw From Race After Doing Very Fine Gael Thing

FINE GAEL candidate for local election Marian Dwyer-Agrios has withdrawn from the race in Drogheda after news site The Ditch revealed she received money from a developer in exchange for ending an objection to a housing development near to her home, a stroke which only showcased why she’s an ideal Fine Gael candidate.

“Single-minded, obsessed with self-advancement on someone else’s dime, was she cooked up in a lab by Young Fine Gael? I didn’t believe people when they said Fine Gael was abandoning its core values, but after ditching a candidate like this, I’m starting to agree,” said one political observer.

While the Fine Gael-led coalition is currently mulling over making such arrangements between developers and residents illegal, ot has asked all remaining candidates to hide evidence of such things better than Dwyer-Agrios did, lest the party find itself without any candidates to run.

“Getting paid vast sums of money for not doing a whole lot while getting to feel important, is this not what the party was founded on?” said one loyal Fine Gael voter in Louth, dismayed that Dwyer-Agrios was being condemned for the sort of qualities normally treasured by the moneyed and comfortable class the party courts.

“It’s horrible witch hunts like this, and demands for decency and credibility that prevents people entering politics! One person’s ‘that’s blatant extortion and bribery’ is another person’s ‘entrepreneurial Irish spirit’,” said another Fine Gael voter.

Previous to Dwyer-Agrios’s error in judgement Fine Gael enjoyed an upstanding reputation in Louth, as evidenced by the presence of Senator John McGahon, known for standing trial for assault and allegedly inserting a Twix bar into the anus of an unconscious man as part of a harmless prank.