Updated: List Of Permitted Topics Of Conversation For Gaff Parties After 3am


RESEARCHERS of the partying habits of Irish people warn that the standard of conversations in kitchens at gaff parties risks losing its long-held traditions, and have issued a fresh diktat warning people to preserve our precious session culture by sticking to these subjects and these subjects only

If there isn’t a group of at least 8 women surrounding another woman, who is clearly upset, and telling her she is a triumphant goddess who transcends all beauty then we’re not a serious sessioning country anymore.

“Anyone got a bag?” – to be uttered nonstop by one person, preferably a complete stranger no one knows, to everyone else in attendance.

“All I’m saying is, there’s some compelling evidence out there” – only to be uttered in reference to topics such as the existence of Big Foot, the faking of the moon landing being faked and Jedward being Russian spies.

Housing – preferably includes someone suggesting that landlord’s property should be confiscated overnight. This topic is to be introduced and steered by a person whose inheritance will involve the passing down of several rental properties they will never relinquish.

“Yeah man, I dunno, I think I basically like love her” – again a subject to be brought up by someone with an individual they have just met seconds previously, talking about someone the individual has never heard of. Recommended time spent of just repeating how much you love her; 45 to 60 minutes.

“Don’t get me started on gentrification” – must be offered by someone from the kitchen of their €650,000 former council house surrounded by Buddha Bowl cafes they single-handedly keep in business.

How everything is a simulation and not real, and directed by a shadowy force which renders the concept of free will null and void – yes this may have been a topic which took hold in earnest in the early 1990s and can seem cliche now but rules are rules.

How everything is connected, and how free will is a wonderful and beguiling concept which enriches every aspect of our unique, inexplicable existence – while it’s not required, it is preferred that this conversation is led by the same person who also stated the previous point above.