Getting Pissed On While Calling Election Not A Metaphor For Anything, Insists Sunak

“NO, it’s not the perfect visual metaphor for how Tory candidates are going to be pissed on from the heavens by the electorate. People are really responding to me pretending Labour have been in government for the last 14 years,” insisted Sunak, with all the conviction of a drunken reveller trying to pay for a 3am Kebab with an Oyster card.

“I am the only party leader with a plan for the UK,” said Sunak, a man who had no alternative plan for giving a speech outdoors in the event of rain.

Currently polling suggests the Tory party has set to suffer massive losses in the July 4th election, however, the fact Labour leader Keir Starmer has a well documented allergic reaction to charisma and has a face so bland its been mistaken for porridge means nothing is a forgone conclusion.

“Ignore the fact I’m worth £600mn, I’m one of you, I even wear trainers. No? Okay, let’s see – wokeness on university campuses must end, cancel culture?” a soaked Sunak said shortly before being rescued from drowning in the shallow end of a puddle by emergency services.

Despite the Tory’s abject performance and rarely going a day without a sitting MP being accused of sexual misconduct, there is a nagging sense that an electorate that voted for Brexit cannot be trusted not to greatly injure itself once more by shooting itself in the foot with an inter-continental ballistic missile.

“Repeat after me ‘I will not accidentally somehow make Nigel Farage prime minister and Boris Johnson king’,” concerned watchers of the UK urged of its electorate.