Local Racist A Little Disappointed That Non-Citizen Population Only At 12%


AFTER the latest information gleaned from Census 2022 revealed that 12% of Ireland’s population are non-citizens, one local racist was left feeling an indescribable sense of ennui.

“I dunno, I just ‘hoped’ is the wrong word but after all the Facebook posts that I’ve been seeing, 40% would have been the minimum like y’know?” explained local man Alan Gallen.

Gallen was momentarily roused from his negative stupor by a friend who helpfully reminded him that when 12,000 Nigerian pregnant women land over to Ireland each week, every set of triplets they have are given an Irish passport in the womb and are therefore not counted as ‘non-citizens’ but as Irish.

“They’re trying to pull a fast one the Censusaurus people, but I’m kinda of sad because feeling like the government was going to replace me as I slept with a Romanian beggar was something to look forward to but if it’s only 12% of people it sounds like that nightmare I dream about is a long way off,” offered Gallen, who only drinks the heads on his pints of Guinness on account of the colour.

In a bid to make the most of his in-built hostility and prejudice against anything he deems ‘different’ Gallen has made the necessary decision to leave his Kildare home and move to Ballyhaunis.

“With thirty odd percent of that town all foreign and that I can properly get about the place throwing dirty looks and tutting left, right and centre, it’ll be like Disneyland but for lonely angry people like me,” concluded Gallen.