How Celebrities Pick Baby Names


HOW DO THEY do it? How can celebrities still surprise their fans with a really unique baby name when their fans have braced themselves for stupidest shit ever? Well WWN is hoping to shed some light on the highly secretive world of celebrity baby names.

Here’s how a simple Jane becomes an Apple and so on:

Is it an existing, used at least once before, name in a book of baby name?

If yes, well then back to the drawing board.

Could it set the child up for a lifetime of bullying?

We could be onto something here.

Look around the house

It’s a case of whatever enters their eyeline first be it a lamp, Chaise Lounge or eggplant celebrities love an object for a name.

Collab opportunity

Celebrities often engage with brands first to see if they can get $$$ for naming their child Coke Zero, Cillit Bang Jr or Michelin Tyres.

Attention to detail

Before officially launching their new collab with @newbaby celebrities first have to be certain the copyright hasn’t already been registered thus thwarting the lucrative branding opportunities for little Footstomp or precious Ohfeelyah.

Don’t rush into it

Before locking in the name, be sure it will stand the test of being repeatedly said out loud. To test this celebs often walk around the house repeating H’Oprah, Hashtag, Heavyflo or Dimple to see if the name’s zest dulls over time.

Where was the baby conceived?

Some go down the romantic route the Beckhams chose by naming their child Kitchen Floor, Middle Aisle Aldi or Disabled toilets depending on the location of conception.

Failing that

If all else fails celebrities fall back on a service provided by a middle-aged Irish man named Dave Kenny. Kenny, a curmudgeon by nature, is regularly heard decrying ‘kids these days’ and how people’s obsession with celebrity culture is pathetic and vapid.

Using Kenny’s irritable reaction to all things celebrity, famous people first test out their potential baby names on him and choose the one which makes him the angriest and leads to the longest rant.

“Bambi, fucking Bambi is it? Has it four legs and does it live in a fucking forest? For fuck sake,” Kenny was heard ranting at recent celebrity clients.