Energy Company To Wipe You Down With Your Own Pants When Finished

THE announcement that ESB customers are to receive a once-off payment of €50 per household as compensation for a decade of overcharging has been likened to the actions of a careless sexual partner that takes as much enjoyment for themselves out of intercourse while doing as little as possible to benefit anyone else.

“In the financial sector, we call this kind of behaviour the ‘washing your mickey before sex, but drying it on her nice dress’ effect,” said one money guru we spoke to.

“It’s the kind of scenario where yes, you’re trying. You have a good bead on the difference between right and wrong. But your efforts at being sound or fair or thoughtful are so pitiful and cack-handed, that most people are more insulted or offended by the gesture of compensation than they are by getting roughly and carelessly fucked in the first place. It’s going down on someone for 20 seconds. Why even bother?”.

As the nation struggled to keep track of which pitifully inconsequential energy company rebate/ refund/ bonus payment/ government tax credit it was they were receiving this week, calls were made for an overhaul of the entire energy sector to ensure that bills are, y’know, fair in the first place.

“If you ride us nice, we’ll let you keep riding us. How is that difficult to understand?” pleaded a weary public.