WWN’s World Cup Recap

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IN THEIR round of 16 game USA had more possession than a drug dealer receiving a fresh shipment from Colombia but in the end the Netherlands proved more clinical than the annual International Brain Surgeons Conference.

Americans hoping to embrace soccer couldn’t even tackle the concept of the offside rule as they were too busy failing to understand how a city in Tennessee had scored the opening goal. Things only got more confusing when a blind man scored the second.

Proving their undoing, USA’s defending was more calamitous than their military withdrawal from Afghanistan.

Firing home a third goal, Denzel Dumfries found himself freer than a recently divorced mother-of-three on the piss with her girlfriends in Newcastle.

Exiting the tournament despite playing well will feel more punishing than a stint in Guantanamo Bay for USA fans. Now they have exited the tournament, the word ‘soccer’ has been removed from all dictionaries.

During Argentina’s clash with Australia the BBC received over 10,000 complaints after viewers were horrified by the BBC panel’s orgasmic groans every time Lionel Messi appeared on screen.

In their defence, Messi’s performance was more majestic than a pride of lions roaring atop a cliff’s edge in the just as the sun set on the Serengeti.

Moments before Messi opened the scoring Aussie fans in the stadium were heard chanting ‘where is Messi’ prompting the question ‘do you idiots WANT to lose?’

As Messi’s glorious second half performance unfolded before their eyes teary-eyed footballs fans sat their children down and broke the news that the day of their birth was no longer the happiest day of their parents’ lives.

Aussie goalie Matty Ryan was formally designated a charity organisation after gifting the ball to Julian Alvarez for Argentina’s second goal.

Fans tried to comfort Ryan by insisting the horrific recurring nightmares will ease off sometime after 2052.

‘Playing out from the back’ is now Australia’s least favourite thing, replacing Irish backpackers.

“Honestly this is worse than when Neighbours was cancelled,” sobbing Australia fans chanted in the crowd.

Argentina returned the favour for Ryan’s error with an own-goal of higher quality than the finest cashmere.

Elsewhere, you know this World Cup has been a fucked up spectacle when news of Serbia fans singing fascist chants during their game against Switzerland is only the 23rd worst thing to happen at the tournament so far.

Meanwhile, ahead of England’s game against Senegal this evening a groundbreaking DNA study has just discovered that Irish people contain the physiological ability to be 100% Senegalese of a Sunday evening. 

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