WWN’s World Cup Recap

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IT GIVES us no pleasure to report all three of England’s goals were very good.

Up until conceding Senegal had been stifling England and pressing better than a trouser press at a 5-star hotel. Their performance was all the more remarkable considering they were playing with a Mané down.

Opening the scoring Henderson finished England’s best move since denying Scotland a second independence referendum.

The referee for the game was taking about as much lip from players as a bouncer in Temple Bar. If his refereeing style was anymore theatrical it would have a sold out run in the West End.

At times Harry Maguire looked dodgier than a 3 euro note in defence but having triumphed over a Senegalese frontline made up of players from Watford, Sheffield Utd and Salernitana, Mbappé, Dembele, Giroud and Griezmann should be a walk in the park.

‘It’s Coming Home’ hysteria has now reached ‘is Jude Bellingham the greatest player of all time’ levels.

Elsewhere, Roy Keane said he found Senegal’s vibrant and loud support is ‘annoying’ which presumably means he prefers English fans’ much more sedate brand of support which involves lighting flares and inserting them up their arseholes.

Earlier that day Kylian Mbappé confirmed that football is incredibly easy if you’re the best in the world at it.

Play in the France game was briefly stopped after the linesman noticed Jules Kounde was wearing several gold chains, a grandfather clock, and one Cash4Gold outlet.

The deadlock was broken when Mbappé laid on a pass to Giroud who expertly finished, helped by the fact Szczecny went to ground earlier than a drunk pilot with a bad of case vertigo.

A record 52nd goal for France, Giroud celebrated by staring lovingly into Mbappé’s eyes and recreating the DVD cover of The Notebook.

Mbappé and Giroud await the predictable fine from FIFA and Qatari authorities for such a homoerotic display.

Leaving more holes than a Swiss cheese factory in their defence as they went in search of an equaliser, Poland left themselves more exposed than a nudist colony on a trip to the Arctic.

Given enough time on the ball to read the complete works of Shakespeare, Mbappé duly fired home France’s second with the sort of ferocity normally reserved for a jeep-driving D4 mother demanding to speak to a cafe manager after getting a lukewarm oat milk latte.

Bagging the third, if Mbappé was given any more wide open space he’d be the Sahara desert before. Mbappé hit the ball which hit the back of the net quicker than Kanye West fans’ removed their Ye Spotify playlists from their library.

Despite returning their best performance of the tournament Poland never really threatened with Lewandowski’s acrobatic overhead kick failing to trouble but could get him a job at Cirque du Soleil.

There was a chance for a consolation late on when Lewandowski stepped up to take a penalty. Stuttering and jittering more than a hypothermic cat on a pogo stick, Lewandowski’s shot was saved by Lloris.

However, a replay showed Lloris took more steps than the stairs on the Eiffel Tower. Cashing in his ‘Make A Wish’ token Lewandowski was allowed a second chance and scored.

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