IN THE biggest grudge match since James Cordon vs some restaurant staff, Ghana and Uruguay faced off in Group H. Rolling back the years Luis Suarez put in a vintage performance only made possible by the fact he was fueled by pure hatred and a desire to troll Ghana.
Awarded a penalty, Ghana had an early chance to exercise their demons from that infamous match in 2010 when Suarez got handsiers than John in accounts at the office Xmas party.
Andre Ayew took so long to take the penalty TV viewers had time to do the shopping and tidy the house before the Ghanaian eventually missed with a penalty weaker than the mental health supports around Kanye West.
Uruguay’s Arrascaeta scored both goals, including an impressive second which contained a move smoother than peanut butter singing some jazz.
South Korea taking an incredible last minute lead against Portugal in the group’s other game meant Uruguay would be dumped out of the competition unless they scored a third goal.
Uruguay had more shots than a vaccination centre but couldn’t score a third goal.
Cavani had a late shout for a penalty but VAR officials had been bursting for a piss so missed the incident altogether meaning they didn’t even review a replay of it. Full-time saw the Uruguay players swarm the referee like incredibly angry flies on shit.
Suarez, now substituted, watched on from the bench experiencing the sort of high levels of agony normally only experienced by Irish people looking at Shit London Guinness.
Reacting to their devastating exit from the tournament Ghana fans remarked “did you see Suarez crying on the bench? Hahahahahahahahaha!”
The image of Suarez weeping on the bench at full-time is now hanging up in every house in Ghana.
Serbia v Switzerland served up a goalfest including a fantastically worked team goal for Freuler’s winner.
While the game was more action packed than the Depp Heard trial, no moment can eclipse Granit Xhaka grabbing his balls and gesturing to the Serbian players on the bench, who fainted from shock.
Serbia go out and with it go your mate’s claims that ‘Serbia could go all the way’.
In their game against Cameroon Brazil made wholesale changes to their starting 11 and although they were physically on the pitch, mentally they were on the copacabana. Cameroon scored a late winner through Vincent Aboubakar who got sent off for taking his shirt off and you couldn’t exit a tournament with more style if you did it dressed in a Gucci suit.