UK Police Pledge To Only Use Environmentally Sound Tear Gas On Climate Protestors

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UK Prime Minister Rishi Sunak has promised to clamp down on disruptive climate awareness protests by organisations like Just Stop Oil, but in a bid to not appear totally heartless has assured activists that they will be stomped by police in the most sustainable way possible.

“We’re investing millions in equipping our riot police with boots made from vegan leather, and truncheons made from ethically-sourced wood and metal,” Sunak pledged today, as guerilla-style JSO demonstrations continued to halt traffic and travel across the country as climate change halted humanity’s chances altogether.

“We’ll no longer used pepper spray that contains ingredients that were flown in from abroad, instead we’ll decrease our carbon footprint by sourcing mace and tear-gas locally. And once you clear our streets and allow daily life to continue, we promise to barely assault you at all. Fair is fair”.

Other measures to curb those pesky protests about how we’re careening towards disaster include:

– Banning anyone under 25 from protests (too young and whiny) and anyone over 60 (too old, should know better) will narrow the amount of available protestors to a few dozen middle-aged hippies.

– Automatic sirens will cry ‘hypocrites!’ at anyone involved in a climate protest if they’ve ever sat in an automobile or worn clothes.

– The police K9 unit will only feed their dogs vegetarian food from now on.

– Protestors will be assured that the world’s governments are about to do something really, really great on climate, if they’d all just go on home and relax.