WWN’s World Cup Recap


THE EVENING’S games saw Argentina face off against a Poland team who honestly played like scoring a goal would give them some horrific disease.

The referee livened things up when he awarded Argentina a penalty in the most unjust awarding of something since Forrest Gump beat Pulp Fiction and Shawshank Redemption to Best Picture Oscar.

Messi stepped up to take it but with a hand firmer than Qatar’s no alcohol policy, Szczesny saved the penalty.

Despite knowing a win would guarantee their passage to the knockout rounds, Robert Lewandowski was left more isolated upfront than a monk taking a vow of silence on a hillside retreat on Mars.

It fell to Ireland’s Alexis MacAllister to score Argentina’s opening goal. Upon learning of his distant Irish heritage, RTÉ dispatched hundreds of news crews to villages around Ireland in search of any gombeens willing to pretend they are his 8th cousin twice removed.

At one point, as Poland looked certain to ship a dozen goals, Messi channeled his inner Harry Maguire to weave his way through Polish players before scuffing a shot for the first time in his life.

Alvarez scored Argentina’s second goal with a strike only marginally less stunning than a cattle prod.

As Poland played like a self-pitying and disinterested goth teenager who claims nobody understands, Mexico were busy going 2-0 up against Saudi Arabia.

Mexico ultimately went out due to goal difference as the Saudis pegged one back. At various points the second place slot was going to decided by the number of yellow cards received, rock paper scissors, a duel to the death, who had the best looking fans and who could give FIFA the bigger bribe.

In the day’s good news story Australia made the knockouts for the second time in their history sparking wild scenes back home and prompting commentators to confirm ‘there won’t be a kangaroo milked or digeri-done tonight in Australia’.

The highlight of the game’s first half came when Damien Duff phone’s went off live on air during the analysis. Duff revealed the call was from desperate RTÉ viewers asking him to quickly refresh the RTÉ player as it had expectedly unexpectedly crashed again.

As Tunisia went ahead against a weakened France, who made just 87 changes to their starting line up, Australia’s Mathew Leckie made up for only spelling his first name with one ‘t’ by turning Denmark defender Maehle inside out more times than a reversible duvet cover before slotting home a famous goal.

On the verge of going out of the tournament, Denmark showed less desire to win than Fine Gael shows when it comes to solving the housing crisis.

With finishing about as accurate as a blind darts player facing away from a dartboard, Denmark looked as convincing as Liz Truss in a leadership role.

Tipped as dark horses for the tournament, Denmark’s exit will hurt more than stepping barefoot on the contents of a Lego factory.

There was considerable secondhand embarrassment for a pitch invader at the Tunisia France game who ran onto the pitch waving a Palestine flag, unaware that the international media isn’t interested in that sort of flag.