“Onwards & Upwards” Remains Favourite Mantra Of Man On Steady Backwards & Downwards Trajectory


DESPITE being subjected to a procession of bad luck that would turn most mortals into a husk of a human being, local man Eoin Hallins is sticking by his favourite mantra.

“Pure awful dose of bad luck but sure onward and upwards, as I always say,” remarked Hallins to the funeral director after he showed Hallins the remains of his entire family, including distant relations who died in a tragic accident at a theatre for which Hallins bought everyone tickets.

A phrase that has been at close hand throughout Hallins’ life, the Irish man seems unable to accept the message the universe is clearly sending him.

“Onwards and upwards,” insisted Hallins after his doctor told him he was suffering rare a disease called ‘inflamo-testicles’ which meant his testicles would boil themselves to the point of spontaneous combustion, the tough news coming just hours after he lost his job and the shack he was living in collapsing.

Even with the added misery of leaving his GP to find his car clamped after a truck drove into it, nudging it into a disabled spot in the process Hallins remained annoyingly able to accept the misfortune thrown at him.

“Ah, I suppose it could be worse, I could have robbed at gunpoint, onwards and upwards – that’s what I always say,” said Hallins before the exact scenario he outlined unfolded in front of our eyes.

With all evidence pointing to Hallins enduring a life on a backwards and downwards trajectory, his detached sunny naivety remained indestructible.

“Ah no fuck that,” raged Hallins after a routine DNA test revealed he is 75% Corkonian.