So You’re Liz Truss: Here’s What Happens Next

DEPENDING on what time of day you’re reading this, Liz Truss is the British prime minister. But she’s got a hell of a week in front of her if she wants to quell the markets, regain the confidence of her own party and outlast George Canning’s 119 days in office back in 1827.

Here’s how things could play out now:

1) Truss triggers Order 66

Order 66 isn’t just a thing from Star Wars – it’s based on an actual UK policy where the prime minister can, at any time, call for sleeper agents on both sides of the house to eradicate any perceived threat to the safety of the ruling party. Should Truss decide to ‘go all Palpatine’, we could see MPs from all parties succumb to deeply hidden hypnotic triggers and start throttling each other in the commons. This may buy Truss enough time to work out just what she should do next, or at least get rid of a few of her most vocal critics.

2) Truss ‘does a Bilbo’

With such a mountain of political carnage to climb, Truss may simply do a Bilbo Baggins on the whole thing and vanish, never to be seen again. Maybe she’ll flee to the countryside and live a life of solitude, maybe she’ll abscond to a palatial setting in a faraway desert, bought and paid for by the British taxpayer. Either way, just like Bilbo she’ll be forced to leave behind the magic and potentially evil ring she picked up along the way.

3) Truss rallies the troops, gets everyone on her side, sorts out the markets, works out a Brexit deal that delivers on the Tory promises from 2016, quells unrest in Northern Ireland, silences her critics, ends the cost of living crisis, helps forge peace in Ukraine, and goes on to have a long and successful term in office

Paddy Power not giving great odds on this, mind you

4) Truss concedes leadership of the Tory party to another useless fuck who shambles around hopelessly until a general election is called which predictably returns a Tory majority

Better odds here!