“Increasing Wages Will Fuel Inflation” Says CEO Who Increased Bonus

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UNABLE TO imagine anything more reckless than agreeing to a first company wide pay increase in a decade, local CEO Harry Conney has warned against such actions as it could spiral inflation out of control.

“Raising wages as inflation increases will just further fuel inflation as workers spend money on ridiculous non-essential discretionary spending items such as heating bills whereas my bonus this year, which I’m thankful to the board signed off on, will be spent responsibly,” explained Conney, omitting the fact he’ll likely be buying a house at auction that once belonged to one of his employees who can no longer afford their mortgage.

Business leaders have welcomed interest rate hikes around the world as it accelerates job losses, none of which will affect the people claiming it is a necessary measure.

“It’s very easy to accept suppressing consumer spending and bringing about jobs losses through an increase in interest rates but I think it’s going a little too far to suggest I don’t accept my deserved hard-earned bonus, that is 75% higher than the previous year’s one, which again the board thought I was very deserving of one I told them that’s the bonus I had decided on,” added Conney, who can’t believe employees don’t think of the wider economic implications of their behaviour when asking to be kept on or for extra money to afford food and clothes for their children.

“At the end of the day if the likes of myself and other captains of industry have our pay stagnate then who will be left to buy up all the distressed assets and private islands? You can’t take a wrecking ball to the economy like that, if CEOs didn’t have bonuses then what incentive would there be to work as hard as I do at reaping the benefits of my staff’s hard work” continued Conney, who reckons a few dozen firings should balance the books to justify a better bonus for himself next year.

“Employees will look at my high salary, bonus not in anyway linked to performance, equity options in the company and think ‘how can these things carry on as normal unchanged but I can’t get 5% increase on my entry level salary’ and in fairness they can think that all they like because I don’t fucking care” .

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