Haggard 23-Year-Old Reckons He Has One More Electric Picnic In Him


CITING creaking knees and sensitive hearing 23-year-old festival stalwart James O’Beirne fears his days of enjoying festivals like Electric Picnic may be behind him.

“The first time I went down, there was eight of us crammed into a Micra, I was in the boot the whole way down and it was all great craic. Shits in a shit covered portacabin? I lived for it. Now the thoughts of even having to get a crowded bus down has me put off,” said O’Beirne departing for Ireland’s largest music festival.

“And I’ve the jaw of a 40-year-old. I think my chewing jaw days are behind me, it’s a young man’s game. And some of the outfits on the young ones… in my day it was all crotch-less fishnets and nipple pasties, y’know Laois’ answer to Burning Man but now, have you seen the lads? I don’t know where to look,” explained O’Beirne, feeling a chapter on his life was closing.

Unsure as to when he exactly got so old, O’Beirne felt shame coursing through his body as he stared at an itemised list of ‘must pack’ which included an orthopedic pillow, a tea flask, ear plugs and a supply of pre-downloaded podcasts about gardening.

“My supple spine used to live for sleeping in a Lidl tent on a active mudslide and surviving on a diet of whatever discarded food and bottles of water I found on the ground. Now my sciatica plays up if I even see so much as a tent,” the festival pensioner remarked.

“Sure I haven’t heard of half the acts and it’s gone awful commercial hasn’t it – bring back the simple days of the Barcardi stage and Three branded phone charging stations,” concluded O’Beirne, now feeling truly over the hill as he saw younger festival goers rocking up in their clothes dominated by vintage mid-2010s styles.