Johnson Ticks ‘Raid Black Family Home’ Off Bucket List


OUTGOING British PM Boris Johnson has only a few weeks left before stepping down, and is using his time to make sure he fulfills everything he wanted to achieve when he took the reins in 2019.

“Conduct a dawn raid with a heavily armed police force on the home of a black person, check!” beamed Boris as he moved through a private residence in south London at 5.30am yesterday, before moving on to the other things on his ‘Fuck It’ List, which includes:

– Scuba dive in the shit infested English channel waters, launching harpoon darts up through the gunwales of dinghies carrying migrants over from France [in pencil, Boris has written ‘underwater jetski things from James Bond film Thunderball available? Real? Check with MI5].

– Have four more children (a tough ask in the weeks remaining, but not beyond possibility).

– Introduce new legislation aimed at introducing protection from prosecution for former Prime Ministers in any future trials or tribunals that may or may not crop up.

– Sell the remaining bits of London to the Russians [in pencil, Johnson has scribbled that failure to achieve this is not his fault, and that any oligarch who misses out due to sanctions or frozen assets is ‘shit out of luck’].

– Have another go on that zip-line, it was fun.

– Say what he really thinks about Muslim women, after going too soft with his ‘letterbox’ comments a few years back.

– Eat ever square inch of the £840-per roll wallpaper that he had installed during refurbishments of his Downing St. flat.

– Visit Northern Ireland and have a good old laugh at it one last time.